This is the color of my life as of now.
Blue.



2 hours and 1 hour before my 21st birthday.
Japan time.

.. :(

One morning, I woke up, faced the mirror and stared at my reflection. In two days, I'll be turning 21. For the past 21 years, did I do something great? Did I make my parents proud? Am I a good person? I don't know, really. My mind was blank. For the past six months, my life was indeed sad. It was saddest six months of my life... and in two days, I will be celebrating my first birthday without Papa. He wasn't the kind of father, who would kiss and hug me nor greet me on my birthday but he was always giving me gifts.. and his presence was enough. I am not really in the mood of celebrating it. Why? Because I am not with my mom, siblings, bestfriend and even my boyfriend. How sad could that be? I can imagine.


Since I got back in Japan, I've been crying myself to sleep. I was always having a hard time going to sleep. Everytime I lie down on my bed, my mind is visiting again to the memory lane of my life. I can't help but to cry. I don't know what to do. I am helpless.


Advices from people around me doesn't really help, at all. No offense.


''Be strong. Life goes on.''
''Kaya mo yan.''
''Move on.''


Bullshit! Sorry for the french. I've been trying to be strong but I am just human, I can't do this alone.
Move on? Ask yourself, ''could you move on within a short span of time when you lose someone like your father?''



I just need someone who would lend me his shoulder, hold my hand when I am losing grip, wipe my tears when I start to cry and hug me when I feel cold.


Its hard, you have no idea. I have no one here.

Love letter

To my dearest Brent,


Its been a month now that I am n Japan and I am terribly missing you everyday. You have no idea. Thanks to internet and we stay connected. I love you so much. Don't worry about other men because its only you that is in my heart. You're the one who gives oxygen to my life to keep living, to keep breathing. I love you my sweetheart. Worry no more, I am only yours.



Your girl,
Mika

F.

I feel so unlucky.. Cursed.. Mentally retarded, and whatever description you could add up.
I can't understand.. I can't understand why all of this things is happening to me while everyone is having the best of their lives... and me? Alone, sad, lonely and depressed.

Daddy's little girl.

Now she hasn't slept in weeks.
She don't want to close her eyes.
'Cause she's scared that he'll leave.
They tried just about everything.
But it's getting harder now for him to breathe.


And say
"Daddy, daddy don't leave.
I'll do anything to keep you.
Right here with me,
can't you see how much I need you?"


"Daddy, daddy, don't leave.
The doctors are saying that they don't mean.
They don't know what they're talking out.
Somebody hear me out!


"Father, listen.
Tell him that he's got a home
and he don't have to go.
Father, save him.
I would do anything in return.
I'll clean my room,
try hard in school,
I'll be good,
I promise you.
Father, father I pray to you"


Please don't let him go,
I'm begging you so..
Let him open his eyes,
Need a little more time
to tell him that I love him more
than anything in this world..






- I miss you so much, Pa :(

Listen to me God.

I came to the point where I've asked God if he hates me. I am so hurt. I don't want to blame Him for all the things I am experiencing right now but I can't help but to question him. Dear God but why? Why me? I've lost my father 5 months ago and I could honestly say, it still hurts as hell and I am not yet moved on. It is not that easy. I was a daddy's gurl and I love him so much *sighs* and now my boyfriend is sick, I don't want to lose him. He's the only person I could talk to whenever I am sad or happy or whatever mood I have. I can't find someone like him anymore. I love him more than anything in this world. I just can't lose him :(



God, please. Not Brent :(

Japan '10

Hello, ahhh I miss Philippines! I am already here in Osaka, Japan. Its my umm, 4th day here.
So far, nothing interesting story to tell. Well there is one, I already met personally
my cousin Nariki. He's so chubby and cute but too bad, he's sick. Maybe because he just
misses her mom. He'll be coming very soon and I am very excited :)

Its summer here so its freaking hot! Hotter than Philippines. Can't wait for winter!
I want to wear boots and coat. Plus the snow, I miss it!

But then again, I miss Philippines. My house, family, my pet and friends too :|


I will be going to Katsuhika-ku cityhall in Tokyo this coming Tuesday to fix everything I should fix..
Wish me luck xx