Dear Papa,

no matter where I go in life,

who I get married to, 

how much time I spend with guys,

how much I love my boyfriend,

how much I talk about my boyfriend,

you'll always be my number one man.

Sincerely,

your little girl

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At age 8, your dad buys you an ice cream. You thanked him by dripping it all over his lap. When you were 9 years old, he paid for piano lessons. You thanked him by never even bothering to practice. When you were 10 years old he drove you all day, from soccer to football to one birthday party after another. You thanked him by jumping out of the car and never looking back. When you were 11 years old, he took you and your friends to the movies. You thanked him by asking to sit in a different row. When you were 12 years old, he warned you not to watch certain TV shows. You thanked him by waiting until he left the house. When you were 13, he suggested a haircut that was in fashion. You thanked him by telling him he had no taste. When you were 14, he paid for a month away at summer camp. You thanked him by forgetting to write a single letter. When you were 15, he came home from work, looking for a hug. You thanked him by having your bedroom door locked. When you were 16, he taught you how to drive his car. You thanked him by taking it every chance you could. When you were 17, he was expecting an important call. You thanked him by being on the phone all night. When you were 18, he cried at your high school graduation. You thanked him by staying out partying until dawn. When you were 19, he paid for your college tuition, drove you to campus carried your bags. You thanked him by saying good-bye outside the dorm so you wouldn’t be embarrassed in front of your friends. When you were 25, he helped to pay for your wedding, and he told you how deep he loved you. You thanked him by moving halfway across the country. When you were 50, he fell ill and needed you to take care of him . You thanked him by reading about the burden parents become to their children. And then, one day, he quietly died. And everything you never did came crashing down like thunder on YOUR HEART. If you love your dad, reblog.

Morph

Its kinda messy. Hehe.

Brent and I's baby :)

Pressure

My aunt told me if I want to, I could go home on the 16th of February so I could be there on my late father's 53th birthday. She was asking my mother but she never replied. I am already sensing that she doesn't want me to go home. A while ago, we were chatting via facebook and asked her if I could go home on the said date. She was reasoning a lot of shallow things like I might be lazy again or I might fight with my sisters. I know her. She doesn't want me to go home. Period. A month ago, she told me that I could go back after all the things are settled here in Japan. We got the money already.. so there's nothing left here for me to do. 


If I am studying here or maybe working.. I won't insist of going back but hey look at me, I am a bummer for 5 months now. I am physically and mentally unhealthy. I want a life. I am turning 22 this year. I need to do something about my life.


Damn, I told my boyfriend about this and asked him if its okay that maybe I will just go back on April, May or June. He said no. Okay, talk about pressure. F*ck, I am getting insane.


Mom doesn't want me to go home and she also doesn't want me to go and be with my boyfriend in Malaysia. What am I suppose to do? Stuck here? I am not working here. No income. I want to go back to school or maybe establish a career in whatever field.


I'm 21 and I can't decide for myself. Not because I can't but because they don't let me!

I miss you.

I love you.
I will marry you.

Sad truth.

The truth is no one really fully understand me because no one exactly know what is happening to me. I am all by myself. I grew tired explaining myself to people around me. Waste of energy.. 'cause they will never understand me. My boyfriend can't understand me. I was expecting he will be the first   one in the list who will understand me but no, and it's very disappointing. Sometimes I talk to him about my problems but he always tells me its my mother's fault. It doesn't help at all. I want to talk to my best friend but its very hard for me to reach her. Besides, she's always busy with her job and son. 


I am crying again. All I could do is to type this because no one will listen to me. Tomorrow, I will be having my check-up to an ObGyne. Tomorrow, I will know if there is something wrong with my ovaries. My boyfriend told me, if ever my results will be bad, he won't pursue his operation scheduled on the 26th. It was another stab in my heart. Why can't he go on with his life? Why does he have to depend all his decisions on me? It is not flattering. He told me he understands me but the truth, he doesn't. Because if he does for real, he will not hurt me like this. He would at least try to lessen the pain. He's been to clingy that he doesn't realize he's been hurting me.


The other day, he texted me and asked me if I know someone named Sean something. Because that Sean told him that he has an ex-girlfriend named Mika. He asked me if I have an ex-boyfriend named Sean. I don't think I had one. I don't remember.. I am sure. And he's been hysterically shouting at me and asked if how many boyfriends I had in the past.. that I couldn't even remember if I've dated someone named Sean. (Ouch.) I don't know what is happening to him but I am trying to understand him. 


He turned into a very different person. I don't think I still know him. I love him so much.. but I don't think I still know him. Sometimes I am thinking that.. "does he really love me? or he just needs me? Baka sanay lang siya na nandyan ako.."


I've been his daily routine for the past five years. I used to wake him up to get ready for work, I iron his clothes, I prepare for his food, I give him a good massage, I make him laugh and smile all the time, I wipe his tears.. Baka natatakot lang siya na mawala lahat to.. pag nawala ako.

Back to Reality

More or less two months, I will be going back to Philippines.. that is, if my medical results are negative. Wish me luck. I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. There is one part of me that wants to stay in Japan longer. Yeah, its been hard for me to live with my aunt. She's nice and all that but sometimes she turns into a monster. But thinking of going back to Philippines somehow scares me. Once I get there, I will be back to reality. I am sure I am mature enough to handle the stress but it still scares me.. I wonder what will happen to me? *sigh*